If only. . .

Oh, I’m so unbelievably mad at myself right now and I’m just thinking “if only.” So except for my one “mistake” I did wonderfully today. But that stupid mistake. I relapsed into one of my bad habits. So yesterday I stupidly made some candy merely because I was in a huge baking mood and I had some a new recipe I was dying to try! Well, today, of course, there was still some left. (Alhtough there wasn’t a whole lot to begin with b/c I made a quarter of the recipe – at least I was smart about that.) So I got home from work, really wanted chocolate, and went straight for the candy. I picked up one piece and took a little nibble. Mmmm, that was good. So what did I do? I picked up a different piece and took another nibble. This continued until I had eaten some portion of EVERY SINGLE piece of candy, but not one entire piece. I’m not sure, but I think there were approximately 9 or so pieces. (This candy is basically like peanut butter balls except with a coconut filling instead of peanut butter, if you’re trying to picture it, so each ball is relatively big.) So then I threw the candy away. This was so bad on so many levels, I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll just list all the problems:

  • I have no idea (i mean no real idea) how much I ate or how many calories I consumed. Was it 250 or 1000? No way to know when I eat like this.
  • I didn’t feel satisfied AT ALL. I was just sneaking it. I felt guilty the whole time. I would have enjoyed it much more and done less damage if I taken one entire one and sat down and enjoyed it. Not too mention I would have done a lot less damage.
  • I was lying to myself and playing horrible games with myself. Trying to somehow trick myself into believing I was eating less than I was. But my body doesn’t go by what my mind thinks I ate.
  • I made myself unbelievably mad and frustrated. Why, oh why, did I do that? I knew better. I negated sooo much hard work. I could have done so well today. I wanted to do so well. I just wish I could turn back time and take it back. And this is the feeling that in the past has led me to throw in the towel – because I’m so frustrated with myself and feel like I’ve ruined everything. It’s really not the calories that made me feel that way – it’s the fact that there is no excuse for what I did and I should have known better.

Okay, so what did I do after this little “episode”? I immediately marched my ample rear right over to the gym, hopped on the treadmill, and had an intense workout. I did week 4, day 4 of couch to 5k after a 30 minute “warm-up.” (It’s 3 mins running, 90 sec walking, 5 mins running, 2.5 mins walking, 3 mins running, 90 sec walking, 5 min running. Anyway, total running time is 16 minutes.) Well, I did great. I ran faster than ever. Which, isn’t actually fast, just faster than usual (about 5 mph, or between 11-12 min miles). And on one of the five minute intervals I accidentally ran 6 mins for one of the five minute segments. Anyway, I’m going to my best to learn from the episode (although I don’t know why I didn’t learn from the last 250 episodes of the same kind), and move on. Just forget about it. I can’t change it now. And I haven’t done such a thing for the past 9 weeks, if that counts. And the fact that there were only 9-10 pieces of candy means it couldn’t have been like 4,000 cals or anything.

Okay, the menu:

  • Breakfast: Pita with roasted chicken and pepperjack cheese (312)
  • Lunch: Deli style chicken on lite bread with pepperjack cheese (282)
  • Snack: Two smartie rolls (49)
  • Episode: Some unknown amount of super high-calorie candy (480??)
  • Dinner: Steamed brussel sprouts in a light butter sauce (175)
  • Total cals eaten: 1298
  • Cals burned through exercise: 569
  • Net cals: 729
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  1. #1 by Tara on November 6, 2008 - 3:44 am

    well, nice recovery at the gym. Also, you caught yourself in your relapse, so recognition of the problem is good. Plus, i’ve noticed that these little episodes are happening less and less frequently, and it’s good that you learned from it. I just don’t think it’s ever a good idea to bake/cook something you really shouldnt’ eat. I learned that from my cookie episode a couple weeks ago. I’ll only bake in the future if I’m taking it somewhere.

  2. #2 by followmyweigh on November 6, 2008 - 6:03 am

    great way to channel out the sugar! just think of it like how marathoners load up on carbs before the race…you ate some extra sugar for an extra hard workout!

    and the fact that you haven’t done this in the past 9 weeks, that definitely counts!

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