Archive for August, 2009

Do I have a tapeworm!?

As promised, here’s the daily post:

Today went fairly well overall. I’m not going to start journaling all my foods (and strictly counting calories) until next Monday, but I am really working on avoiding the sweets and snacks. And I still do some mental tallies. I probably had around a 500 calorie deficit today – nothing stellar, but certainly not as deplorable as it has been lately. I had an unbelievably hard time avoid the vending machine snacks. Wow, it was rough. I don’t even really like the junk they have in the vending machine (they don’t have that much good chocolate stuff), but I was so hungry. I mean I was truly feeling hungry. But I ate good meals. I really think it’s my mind that’s causing my body to feel hungry. I couldn’t possibly actually be hungry. But, I tell you, when  your stomach is growling and you have a hunger headache, it’s so difficult to resist the food temptations. But I really think I’ve been doing so poorly lately and eating so often that my body just needs to get used to not eating all the time.

I feel like I must confess that, although I did avoid the vending machine, part of it was fate – not my own willpower. In a moment of weakness I counted out my change and head for the vending machine to snag some Snackwell’s cookies (item #144 – isn’t it terrible that I know that?), but the guy was there restocking the machines. I took it as a sign, was very relieved that an obstacle was there to save me from my moment of weakness, and didn’t return.

Also exercised for half an hour today on the elliptical. Not as long as I usually did when I was losing a lot of weight, but it was something, and tomorrow I’m hoping for more.

Plan for tomorrow is to slice up a bunch of apples (soaked in diet sierra mist) and take them with me to work, so I can snack on something healthy. I will also leave my money in the car, so I can’t go to the vending machine.


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I’m still here!

Yes, folks, I’m still here. It’s been so long since I’ve posted that I almost forgot how, and I nearly forgot my password! As you can imagine, there’s a lot to say, but I’ll try not to carry on for too long.

This will be news to those of you who are my “blog friends” – it’s old news to those of you who I know “in real life.” Anyway, I’m engaged! It happened three weeks ago today, actually. We are planning the wedding for November 28 of this year. The plans are going great – we’re keeping things relatively simple and I’ve been fairly decisive so the planning has been a lot of fun, and, really, there’s not that much left to do at this point. You would probably think that a wedding would provide some super duper weight loss motivation. I thought so too. But since the engagement I have not lost so much as a pound (and I may have gained a couple, I can’t really remember what I weighed at the time). I really don’t think having a big event to “motivate” me is the weight loss key. The key is finding a way to stay “motivated” day in and day out, meal after meal, workout after workout.

For a quick summary of the last month, in short, it hasn’t been pretty. I got super motivated and lost quite a bit of weight in a short time at the beginning of our twelve week biggest loser competition. I even got through some very challenging food situations without gaining. Then, somehow, I gave up, I guess. Not at all intentionally. It just happened, gradually. Old habits started creeping back in until they had taken over. I started doing all the horrible things that have made all my best efforts fail in the past: picked up the snacking, got the all-or-nothing mentality in a bad way, and I kept saying “i’ll start next monday” and “one piece of cake won’t make a difference.” I did, however, end up losing 13 pounds in total for the biggest loser competition, and I did win! I’m getting about $90! The funny thing is that my first reaction was to go celebrate with the money by going to none other than THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!! I think I’m crazy. It’s really such a bittersweet victory. I lost those 13 pounds in the first 4 weeks. After that I continued losing slowly, and in the last couple weeks, I gained about 6 pounds. I really should have lost more. There’s this part of me that keeps saying, “You could have done so much better.” I’m so mad at myself for gaining – especially when I was doing SO well. I really thought I had it down this time. And  yet, here I am, once again, restarting. I started this blog and my serious weight loss effort nearly a year ago (in September 2008), and, in total, I’m down 20 pounds. Now that’s better than nothing, I know, but c’mon 20 pounds in a year? And it was a roller coaster ride, up and down, on plan and off plan. And it has required an immense amount effort just to lose 20 pounds and I still have 50-80 to go. Attempting to look at the positive side, I have kept at it to some degree for an entire year. That something. But I tell you. These past 4-5 weeks that I’ve been completely off and have been gaining, I think I’ve been just about as bad as I ever was. Sometimes I just feel like my new habits haven’t really sunk in. Have I really learned anything? Have I really changed myself?

I want to examine what went wrong these past few weeks, so that I can change it and hopefully avoid it again in the future. I really think my the downhill slide started when I started skipping quite a few workouts and I stopped blogging so regularly. In essence, I wasn’t focusing very much on my weight loss efforts and I wasn’t investing much time into it. I wanted it to just happen. Maybe I even got overconfident. But when I’m not investing very much of myself (time and energy) in the process, then I don’t have much strength to avoid the food temptations. In theory, I should be able to not exercise, not blog, and still at least maintain my weight by controlling my eating. That’s a nice theory, but it has not worked for me. I have to focus if I want to succeed. Really, so many other things started to crowd out my weight loss goals – I mean, c’mon, who cares about the elliptical when you have a diamond ring on your finger!!?? Kinda pales in comparison. Who wants to go spinning class when you could be browsing the internet looking at beautiful bridal gowns?

Well, it stops now. There will ALWAYS be many other things I could be doing in the time I’m spending working out and blogging and food journaling. Always. But this is what I need to do, what I’ve chosen to do, and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it. Yes, it might be nice to be one of those people who never has to worry about their weight. One of those people who can just employ a little moderation – who doesn’t need to invest so much in the process. But there is so much that we learn about ourselves in this process and so much to gain (besides a smaller waistline) that those who don’t struggle with their weight will never get to experience.

There’s so much more I could say, but I’ll stop there. I’ll be blogging each day with a report on how I did, and I’ll need you all to keep me accountable. By the way, today was not so good. My major goals for tomorrow are to journal my food and go to the Y to workout.