Archive for September, 2009
So I was doing some cleaning, and I ran across a really old diary from the year 2000. So this was ten years ago and I was 16, soon to be 17. Here’s what I wrote:
“First of all, I’m feeling extremely upset because I am fat. I weigh 152 to 155 lbs on our scales. Maybe they’re 3 or 4 lbs high or maybe not, but this is just ridiculous. Even my UB jeans are extremely tight. The only jeans I can wear are my size 10 Xpress jeans. I can also wear my new size ten Ralph Lauren khakis. I’m having quite a bit of difficulty convincing myself that I really have gained at least 30 lbs. I don’t know why I can’t quite make myself believe it. Like I’ve told Mom, you can’t argue w/ red numbers on a scale. You just can’t. I am having even more difficulty convincing myself that I really am relatively large – that people probably can tell at least a little bit that I really have gained weight. Grandma and I went shopping today and I tried on a size 13 in a loose fitting style skirt, and Grandma suggested I get the next size up. She offered to go get it for me. I narrowly avoided the embarrassment of saying I did have the very biggest by just saying I didn’t like the skirt. Oh, help. I really do not know exactly what to do. There are times I just want to scream, cry, bang my head against the wall, run out of my body, leave myself, etc. I’m so terribly embarrassed. For the first time in my life I’m really truly embarrassed about myself. I really do have a reason to lose weight. Sometimes I don’t know what’s happened to me. Why can’t I control my eating anymore? I just refuse to believe how much my little bites are adding up. More and more I’m eating all the time. I’ve eaten an entire 1 lb. bag of M&M’s and ten choc chip cookies in the past three days and much more. Oh, help. I have to go to Connie’s for lunch tomorrow. What will I do? So many times when I go to bed I just wish I could stay in bed and never have to get up so I wouldn’t have to look or think about food. I couldn’t a mistake. Well I’ve babbled on long enough. Maybe I feel a little bit better.”
About three months later:
“Mom and I are trying to lose weight but it’s slow. I won’t even write my weight here cause I’m so embarrassed. I’m trying so hard, but I’m always exactly the same. I can’t keep my hands off snatches of food. I just don’t know how to stop. I just can’t quite do it. Help! Well, I’ll just do my best, I guess. Oh wretched snacks.”
Not a lot to say. No workout today, but did very well eating wise. Here’s the graph:
Sorry, I don’t have long tonight, but today went really well. 1400 calories eaten and worked out for nearly an hour and a half! But those long workouts really make me tired!
Here’s the stats:
Not a lot to say today. I’m just not feeling too chatty plus I’m ready to go to sleep. Need to be at the Y in about eight hours to start my morning off with a workout. I didn’t post yesterday. It wasn’t pretty. I’m just very roughly estimating upwards of 2500 calories. Don’t see the point of going into a lot of detail. All told, I still had an overall calorie deficit for the week, but it wasn’t huge, and the scale just isn’t budging. Hasn’t for the past three weeks (and prior to that it had gone up five pounds). I’m just really stuck in this rut. Of not being as motivated as I should be because I’m not seeing results on the scale or in the fit of my clothing. The scale not budging is partly because I’m doing the two good days, two not so good days, and so on. Although, because of all my exercise, I still have a calorie deficit, it’s not as big as it needs to be. Plus my body just really isn’t cooperating with me. It’s so weird. Three months when I did the exact same thing I’m doing now, I still lost. But my body’s done with that. I’m going to have to fight tooth and nail for every little ounce, so that’s what I’ll do. I am ridiculously determined to lose weight this week. I have to get myself going. I will have a thousand calorie deficit each day if it’s the last thing I do. If I get to the end of the day, and I’ve eaten too much, I will just start exercising (workout DVD if it’s too late to go to the Y) until I get that deficit. I just cannot afford to go on like this. Putting in so much effort and not seeing results. (Even when I have not-so-good days that are 100% my own fault, it still takes a lot of effort – the same amount of effort as doing well, really).
Okay, the stats for today, which were actually good:
I feel like today went fairly well. Slept in more than I thought I would this morning, but I think my body must have needed it. Then worked out for an hour and twenty minutes – burned 803 calories! Yeah! It didn’t feel too bad – it really helped that there was a TV show on while I was working out that I really got into. That really helped keep me going.
Ate light most of the day, then had 1600 calories for dinner! But that’s okay, it was planned. I cooked dinner for 8 people for my fiancee’s birthday – his favorite, chicken paremesan. Definitely not low calorie. I also got a dairy queen ice cream cake, which I knew I wouldn’t pass up. I recorded in my food journal as soon as I got up – 790 calories, but one serving was actually very large. (I know it was accurate because I weighed it.) I considered eating something different from everybody else to save calories on the meal. However, after I worked so hard on it, I wanted to eat it, and didn’t want to have to fool with cooking something additional for myself and I feel awkward about it. It’s a little bit challenging to cook for several people because my kitchen is small with very little counter space.
Anyway, here’s how I ended the day:
Well, I’m not too happy that today was another less than stellar day. I made slightly different mistakes than the ones I made yesterday, but mistakes none the less. My first problem is something I struggle with often: boredoom eating when I’m at work. It’s always been a major struggle for me and the worst part is that there’s nothing I can do to distract myself at work like there as at home or most other places. I’m not allowed to do non-work things, of course. So I gave in to an empty calorie snack. And then I did it again. And again. Got home and actually munched some. Dilly-dallied for a while to put off going to they Y. Finally went. Couldn’t quite get into the workout. Worked out for 26 minutes, but not very hard, and burned 206 calories. Better than nothing. One thing, though, is that I really tried to log all my food for the day. It was a little hard because I have munched on some things without measuring or portioning out servings. But I made my best guess. So, all in all, I ended the day with a 3 (yes THREE) calorie defecit. The worst part is, I was exercising some self control. There was a lot more that I wanted to eat. And I didn’t want to work out at all. Tomorrow, while it should be much easier to stay in control because I’ll be home all day, will pose a bit of a challenge as I’m cooking an unhealthy dinner for my fiancee’s birthday tomorrow. And there will be Dairy Queen ice cream cake! Wow. My original plan was to eat relatively lightly all day, workout of course, and then just eat normal portions of everything at dinner. That way my calories would come out about even for the day – wouldn’t make any progress on weight loss, but also wouldn’t gain anything. But now I hate to do that because the last two days I’ve be even on calories. I’m definitely not skipping the ice cream cake – I would seriously be thinking about it for days if I did. It usually backfires to do that. I will definitely send it home with people, though, so that I only have one serving and am not tempted again. But I might cook something different for myself for dinner. If I skip the chicken parmesan, I won’t miss it or think about it nearly as much as I would the choc chip cookie dough ice cream cake!
Oh, and the recipe I made yestserday. Turned out really well. Fiancee (who hates healthy things) even liked it! I mixed everything up in the crockpot dish and put it in the fridge the night before. So before I left for work all I had to do was take it out of the fridge and turn on the crockpot. And it only took about 15 minutes to prepare the night before. Then when I got home from work 10 hours later it was ready. The chicken was so tender – just fell apart. And I definitely put some shredded cheddar cheese on it. The whole thing made 55.5 ounces, and a moderate serving was 7.5 ounces, so it made 7.4 servings – the recipe said 8. So 221 calories (not counting the cheese). But those calories were very filling. Here’s a link to the recipe:
And here’s the stats for today:
Well, the day could have been worse, but it was certainly nothing stellar! It started out somewhat rough. My hot water heater went out in my apt yesterday so the water in the shower would be extremely cold. So I went to a friend’s house to take a shower in the morning. Only that didn’t go so well because I realized I didn’t have the key to their house when I had arrived and they were still sleeping so I couldn’t wake them up by knocking. And I had left my phone at home. So I had to go back to my place for my phone, call them to unlock the door, and then go back to their place. Anyway, once at work I snacked on, well, I hate to say it, but FIVE 100 calorie chocolate things. Seriously. Five. They were at my desk and I ate them. I could chalk it up to “mindless munching” but it wasn’t mindless. It was fully mindful. I argued with myself about each 100 calorie chocolate bar that I ate, each time rationalizing by saying “just one more.” All told, by the time 9:30 am rolled around, I had already eaten 1000 calories! Yikes, that’s hard to recover from that early in the day. I did do okay the rest of the day – got a salad for lunch with just some grilled chicken and a few wonton strips. Had a healthy dinner – new recipe that I prepared in the crockpot. Turned out really well. I’ll share it with you all tomorrow. Had sugar free fat free ice cream – just one serving. Didn’t work out. I got busy with a lot of household tasks and time just got away from me. I also didn’t log my foods today, because it’s almost time for bed, so I can start the day more fresh and energetic tomorrow. But they were close to what I need to maintain. So, all told, I didn’t gain any weight today but I didn’t lose any either.