Blast from the past

So I was doing some cleaning, and I ran across a really old diary from the year 2000. So this was ten years ago and I was 16, soon to be 17. Here’s what I wrote:

“First of all, I’m feeling extremely upset because I am fat. I weigh 152 to 155 lbs on our scales. Maybe they’re 3 or 4 lbs high or maybe not, but this is just ridiculous. Even my UB jeans are extremely tight. The only jeans I can wear are my size 10 Xpress jeans. I can also wear my new size ten Ralph Lauren khakis. I’m having quite a bit of difficulty convincing myself that I really have gained at least 30 lbs. I don’t know why I can’t quite make myself believe it. Like I’ve told Mom, you can’t argue w/ red numbers on a scale. You just can’t. I am having even more difficulty convincing myself that I really am relatively large – that people probably can tell at least a little bit that I really have gained weight. Grandma and I went shopping today and I tried on a size 13 in a loose fitting style skirt, and Grandma suggested I get the next size up. She offered to go get it for me. I narrowly avoided the embarrassment of saying I did have the very biggest by just saying I didn’t like the skirt. Oh, help. I really do not know exactly what to do. There are times I just want to scream, cry, bang my head against the wall, run out of my body, leave myself, etc. I’m so terribly embarrassed. For the first time in my life I’m really truly embarrassed about myself. I really do have a reason to lose weight. Sometimes I don’t know what’s happened to me. Why can’t I control my eating anymore? I just refuse to believe how much my little bites are adding up. More and more I’m eating all the time. I’ve eaten an entire 1 lb. bag of M&M’s and ten choc chip cookies in the past three days and much more. Oh, help. I have to go to Connie’s for lunch tomorrow. What will I do? So many times when I go to bed I just wish I could stay in bed and never have to get up so I wouldn’t have to look or think about food. I couldn’t a mistake. Well I’ve babbled on long enough. Maybe I feel a little bit better.”

About three months later:

“Mom and I are trying to lose weight but it’s slow. I won’t even write my weight here cause I’m so embarrassed. I’m trying so hard, but I’m always exactly the same. I can’t keep my hands off snatches of food. I just don’t know how to stop. I just can’t quite do it. Help! Well, I’ll just do my best, I guess. Oh wretched snacks.”

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