I broke it.

Ironically, the title of my last post, three weeks ago, was “Make It or Break It.” Well, folks, I broke it! Thoroughly. Regained the couple pounds that I had lost plus one or two. 😦 I’ll spare you all the details. They’re no different than the last 100 times I got “off plan.”

Once again I’m kinda feeling like I’m at the end of my rope. I just don’t what else to do. I don’t know what I could possibly do differently to make this weight loss attempt actually be somewhat permanently successful. I want to get out of this seemingly endless cycle of doing well for a time and eventually getting frustrated and basically giving up. I’ve tried so many times, and every time I think that this is really it. I’m really going to change my habits this time. I will really keep off the weight I’ve lost this time. Well, I’m basically back at my highest weight ever, so clearly that hasn’t happened.  I’ve also noticed that the cycle is getting shorter. Used to be more like do well for several weeks, lose several pounds, get frustrated at all the hyper-focus on weight loss and the super-slow progress, slowly lose motivation, eventually give up for several weeks, and so on. Now the cycle is more like days or even hours, not weeks or months.

I really think the main reason I can’t get back on track is that I’ve lost my confidence. I just have a hard time believing that I can really do it. And I think that’s due in part to the fact that I’ve tried and failed so, so, so many times. And I’ve worked so, so, so hard at  it those many times.

I haven’t exactly just completely given up and thrown in the towel these past couple weeks, but I’ve only been giving it a half hearted effort. However, I’ve noticed some things:

  • I really don’t just love many healthy foods. I love the way I feel when I eat them instead of junk, but it is far more natural for me to reach for a piece of bread than an apple. I really need to find some foods that I love and am excited about. I just feel like I’m going against the grain. After spending the first 20 years of my life eating unhealthy foods, I’ve got 20 years of deeply entrenched bad habits to overcome. So even eating healthfully for 2-3 months isn’t going to make that my default behavior. Sometimes I think I expect it to be easier than it is. However, I know some have overcome this, so it’s possible, just not easy.
  • Having gotten married just six months ago, eating well with a husband who acts like a fruit or a vegetable would kill him and literally consumes 1/4 of a thing of ice cream and a regular root beer every night without ever gaining an ounce is really a challenge. It’s more of a challenge than I thought it would be. I have talked to him about my weight loss efforts on a few occasions, and he is generally supportive, but he just doesn’t have the slightest bit of understanding as to what I’m going through. And why would he? I think it’s just so difficult for someone who’s never had weight struggles of their own to understand what it’s like.
  • I’ve been tempted quite a few times within the last couple weeks in a burst of short-lived but very intense motivation to throw out every piece of junk food in the house. That’s what I did two years ago when I started the most successful part of my weight loss journey. I actually did fairly for a few weeks and lost about 15 pounds. Of course, even then, I felt like all this healthy eating wasn’t quite auto-pilot. It still felt strange. It did help, thought, that it was not at all easy to eat something junky, because it wasn’t there. I had to go out of my way if I was going to eat sweets or breads. Don’t get me wrong, there were several occasions that I did get so desperate for chocolate, that I hopped in the car and drove to the nearest Dairy Queen for a blizzard or nearest grocery store for a brownie mix. However, it happened much less often.
  • I have noticed that I’ve really made exercise more of a habit. I actually enjoy it somewhat, and I miss it if I don’t get to do it. Plus I’ve been exercising even when I’m not eating well, which is a huge step for me. It used to be all or nothing.
  • I’ve noticed that I have a lot more self-control when it comes to making myself do something that I really don’t want to do (like exercise or cleaning or some dreadful task). However, when it comes to saying no to something that I really want (like a brownie), I usually talk myself into it by coming up with some bizarre excuse or rationalization.
  • I have only 3 pairs of non-workout pants that fit: 2 pairs of black dress pants and a pair of jeans. How sad. I miss my nice selection of clothing that fits.

Sorry this post is a little depressing, but I just needed to vent a little. Tomorrow I’m getting back on track (although I’m not yet sure exactly what that means) and I’ll be back with a much more upbeat report of how my “first day” went.

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  1. #1 by Karen@WaistingTime on June 13, 2010 - 1:28 pm

    I have not been reading your blog long enough to know what your eating plan is. But maybe you need to find a new one. For me, when I start out, I cannot handle that stuff in the house. It calls to me all the time. And I cannot handle eating sweets or some other foods in moderation. (Yet.) I have learned that for me, I just need to stop eating them and eventually the cravings go away.

    I don’t think I was a fan of many healthy foods either. But the funny thing I noticed is when I am eating well, healthy stuff tastes better. Fruit, for example, is so sweet. But nothing if the other stuff I am eating is cake and cookies. I am not a good cook so have worked hard to find recipes and foods that I like more and fit my diet. One big example: roasted vegetables. They taste amazing, amazingly better when they are roasted. I never knew this before!

    I hope you can have a heart to heart talk with your husband so that he can understand how he can help and support you. You should give him some ways.

    Venting is good. I did the same recently when I was struggling. And maybe writing things down will give you a starting place for your new day tomorrow. I have confidence in you! Hugs:)

  2. #2 by Watchmeshine on June 13, 2010 - 10:22 pm

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Reading this post from you, I felt like I could have written it! I’ve been there many times. I was there as recently as a few days ago, in fact.

    I don’t have any great words of wisdom, really, because after all this time of working at it, I still struggle. But you can’t give up – even when it gets hard. Because the alternative isn’t a good one.

    And you have to remember that you DESERVE to be healthy. You are WORTH the hard work that needs to go into this. I know that when you live your life in one, unhealthy way for so long, it’s hard to forge a new path, because it’s easier to believe that this is all there is – that you can’t change or it won’t last or it’s for other people and not you. You’re just destined to live your life in an unhealthy body. But that’s not true. You have great potential and you can overcome this. We all can. I know it can be tough to lose weight. You need to be tougher.

    And if you need help overcoming it, you need to talk to others who CAN help. And if your husband isn’t willing to be a part of that plan, he needs to know that that’s a problem. Maybe he isn’t ready to change his unhealthy habits right now, but you are trying. And he needs to be supportive of that.

    Because, I’ll say it again, you deserve to succeed.

    You need to love yourself enough to let yourself succeed. Because if you were talking to a best friend, you’d not tell them to give up. You’d not tell them that they can’t, so just give up trying. What WOULD you say to them? Turn it on yourself and be that best friend to yourself, to get through these tough times.

    YOU CAN DO IT!

  3. #3 by Watchmeshine on June 13, 2010 - 10:33 pm

    I also have to say – eating less than 1200 calories is goes against what any health professional would tell you to do.

    Just from that statement alone (that I read in your “About Me” section), you sound like you’re trying to be too restrictive. Your body needs more than that to function at a healthy level. You can’t deprive your body – it’s a recipe for failure EVERY time.

    I’m not here to be a Weight Watchers spokesperson, but I must say that it is a healthy option for losing weight. It doesn’t restrict particular foods and gives you a lot of freedom, but still provides boundaries.

    But truly, if you do things that set you up for failure from square one, you’re going to get extremely frustrated every time – there’s no way not to, if you’re going to an extreme and you don’t feel happy with what you get to eat ever.

    Trust me, with all the struggles I’ve had, one major lesson I’ve learned is that you have to find a way to be happy with what you’re doing, or you’re not going to stick with it long term.

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