Guess What!?

So, guess what!?

Yes, after a two-three month hiatus, I am, in fact, still alive, and I have not abandoned my blog. But that’s not the big news.

As chance would have it, as I sat down to blog this evening, I realized… DRUMROLL PLEASE

That’s it’s my two year blogiversary!!

So what can I say about the past two years? Well, it hasn’t been at all what I expected.

And, I have a confession. Slowly, ever so slowly, the weight has been creeping on up. No blogging. Very little food journalling. Far fewer heroic efforts and wild (yet sincere) declarations that I would avoid the snacks or the chocolate. Lots of mornings without the routine hop on the scale. A few more indulgences (all just this once, of course). Lots of excuses. Way too many “celebrations.” Lots of “I’ll start on Monday.” And before I know it…

I am exactly where I started. Yes, as of this morning I officially weigh the same as I did when I started this blog two years ago. And I there was a time not so long ago when I really, truly thought I had it somewhat figured out. When I believed with all my heart that I would NEVER be here again. Oh, I knew I wasn’t going to be perfect. I knew I could put all my energies into weight loss forever, and it would slow down some. I knew there’d even be times when I’d gain a few pounds. But I knew that I’d never give up completely. That I’d never throw in the towel. That I’d never give in to that nasty “I’ll start on Monday” voice in my head. And certainly, I knew I’d never be here again.

Obviously I was wrong.

And as I start again, you might think that I’ve got a bit of a headstart. Didn’t I learn a lot in the past two years that’s going to help as I reembark on the same journey? Shouldn’t the road be more familiar this time? Shouldn’t I know where to avoid the bumps and the potholes? Perhaps I should, and I know that I really have learned some things, a lot of things. I don’t deny that. But, regardless of the facts, it feels as if I’m starting miles behind where I started. It’s like I’ve lost faith in myself. I know you are thinking that sounds like some sort of a trite, cheesy line, and, if I’d heard someone else say it, I’d probably think the same thing. However, it’s really true. The reason it’s been so difficult to get back on track is that I don’t believe I’ll really succeed long term. I can spout out of all sorts of facts. It’s not that I think I literally don’t possess the capability to succeed. No one is forcing me to eat sweets and chocolate. No one is tying me down so I can’t get outside or to the Y or wherever to exercise. I possess the physical ability, of course. I just don’t believe that I actually will. The hardest part is to get that faith back when it seems so far gone.

Sorry to be so depressing. I have a lot more things to say which are much more upbeat! I’ve written a thousand posts in my head on this blogging hiatus. Unfortunately, I’m running out of time, but I’ll post tomorrow with some a little more upbeat. (And by the way all that rambling does not mean that I’m not going to try. Never fear.)

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  1. #1 by Karen on September 9, 2010 - 7:46 am

    You are not alone in this! And I am happy to support you in any way I can. I have also gained back weight and cannot believe I did it to myself again. My summer was just horrible for eating. But I cannot believe that I can’t do it – I have to tell myself that I CAN do it. We CAN!!!

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