Week 2 Results

Are you ready to hear my results from “Week 2”? (I’m not sure why I even number weeks anymore with as many times as I’ve restarted. Maybe everything should just be “Week 1.”) I lost 0.0 pounds this week. I stayed exactly the same. Given how much I struggled with the sweets and how I cut back some on the length of my workouts, that’s really what I expected. I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t work harder last week, because I really have no excuse. There’s no good reason why I should have struggled so much.

This weekend I’d say I had my fair share of really good food decisions along with my fair share of “learning opportunities” (aka mistakes). Again, all basically evening out to eating maintenance calories. Saturday I did face a lot of challenges because I was at someone’s house throughout most of the day and it was full of sweet snacks and lots of people snacking. I brought a bag of apples and ate one each time I wanted to eat a brownie or cookie. The apples were very small. They probably had 60-80 calories each. I think I had 4, so I had 280 calories worth – less than even one brownie! And we all know that I would never have eat just one brownie. I did give in to some sweet bread near the end of the day because I was so truly hungry and I was sick of apples. So from that I learned that I should have eaten more healthy, filling foods before I left my house so I wouldn’t be so hungry. And I mean we’re talking starting to get a hunger headache type of hungry.

We went out to eat at Arby’s with a group of friends on Sunday. I had a junior roast beef sandwich (less than 300 calories and only $1). Then I brought some sliced apples from home. I just put them in a ziploc bag and stuck it in my purse. That actually worked out really well. Far less calories than curly fries and much more satisfying. It would have been a great eating day if I had not snuck in some ice cream when I had the late night munchies. Again, it seems like a made a good decision followed by a not-so-great one. I thought good decisions were supposed to fuel more good decisions.

Alright, now I need to vent a little about a conversation I had with my husband this weekend. First of all, he is 5’7″ and weighs about 130 lbs which is technically “underweight” according to most height/weight charts. And he eats a ton of junk food. I’m talking a root beer float every single night using 1/4 carton of ice cream (as in a normal size carton lasts him for only 4 floats) with a can of regular root beer. Not only that, but he’s actually lost 3-4 lbs in the past few months. How is that even possible? He really must have some crazy metabolism. (Everyone says it will catch up to him someday, and I’m sure it will someday.) Anyway, I an accept all that. I’ve made no effort to try to change his eating habits, nor do I think I should. And with as many sweets as I eat, I really wouldn’t have any room to talk at all. The only difference is all the sweets I eat make me very overweight and I’m really trying not to eat so many sweets. So anyway, that is not my complaint. I just wanted to give you a little background.

When went to our friends house on Saturday for a meal, I had offered to bring a dessert. So I made brownies and took them to our friend’s house. There were a lot of other sweets there, but over half the pan was eaten. I had really hoped to give the remaining brownies away, so I wouldn’t have to bring them home to tempt me. However, my husband really liked the brownies. He said he wanted to take the rest of them home with us. I said I really didn’t want them in our house to be tempting me so maybe we should try to give them away, and if we couldn’t maybe we should throw them away when we got home. He was horrified at that idea and said, “Well, you just need self control. It’s easy. If you don’t want to eat them, just don’t eat them.” I said nothing because we were at the friend’s house and I didn’t want to get into a big discussion or have anyone overhear us. But I was thinking, “If it really were easy not to eat them, I wouldn’t have this weight problem!”  I think he really truly believes that it would not be difficult to decide you shouldn’t eat something and just not eat it. And maybe, theoretically, it should be easy. Maybe, it would be easy for most people. I really don’t know. But the truth is, whether it should or shouldn’t be, it is very, very hard for me. I know I should probably talk to him about it, but I really don’t want to. It’s such an sensitive topic that I always get very emotional when I try talk about it, and I turn it into a bigger deal than I really wanted it to be.

All that sugar is still calling my name

In my last post I said I was considering just not eating sweets/desserts/baked goods for some period of time. Well, I’ve been considering it a lot more – especially after yet another run-in with chocolate today. Even just a week or two might really help get things back under control. My eating has just not been so good all week (except for a stellar Monday). And I’ve been slightly less motivated to exercise since my eating hasn’t been so great. Why is it that I’m perfectly logical about everything except food/weight/exercise? This morning was really, really dragging at work. I mean I was convinced it must be lunchtime already, but the clock still said 8:30am. So what did I do to solve the problem? I snacked. It didn’t make the minutes go by any faster.

I think I need to break up with Sugar…

I haven’t actually written a post since last Friday. Luckily, my absence from the blog world does not mean I was absent from my weight loss efforts (at least not entirely).

When I lasted posted I was heading to a friend’s house for dinner. The dinner went fine, and I didn’t have to consume too many calories, although certainly a few more than I would have if I were eating at home. I think I did a decent job of not stressing about it while I was there, although I did catch myself a couple times trying to find ways to determine exactly what the casserole we were eating was made of so I could more accurately estimate the calorie content. But I caught it and stopped myself. When I got home, I estimated as best I could and  then moved on.  But now, I’m faced with yet another situation this coming Saturday where the food being served is not in control. And, again, I’m trying my best not to worry about it, but it’s hard. The lady hosting the gathering told me we were having spaghetti and meatballs, and this is what went through my head: “I wonder if she’ll use 160 calorie per serving Prego or if she’ll use a more tomato based marinara with around 60 calories per serving. And what type of meat will she use? She doesn’t seem like the type of person who would buy the cheapest, most fatty type of ground beef, but I doubt she’d be the most expensive, 90% fat free stuff either. And in meatballs the fat is not going to cook out and be drained off, so the fat content of the beef will make a huge difference.” Seriously, why can’t I just enjoy the company, eat the food, and not think twice?

Anyway, the weekend went fine eating and exercise wise for the most part. However, getting to the title of my post, I did eat waaay too many sweets. I just have such a sweet tooth. If someone told me I’d never eat another fried food the rest of my life, it wouldn’t bother me in the least. But if someone told me I could never have chocolate again, I’d be  heartbroken. I bought this innocent little teeny-tiny 100 calorie ice cream sandwiches thinking I’ll just have one for a little treat every now and then. Who was I kidding? One teeny little ice cream sandwich. How is that enough? Of course, eating one simply made me want another one. And so it went. By the time the day ended on Sunday, my calorie counts alone were just fine. I think I ate about 1800 calories and burned around 400 through exercise, for a net of 1400. Perfectly fine there. However, 90% of those calories were from total and absolute nearly pure junk in the form of sweets. I do not consider that a success. The only actually healthy thing I ate was a grilled chicken salad for lunch worth about 260 calories. Every single one of the other 1540 calories were from junk food. I’m a firm believer in the calorie is a calorie is a calorie no matter where it comes from philosophy. Of course I would lose weight eating like that every day, but it would be so unhealthy. I would still feel awful about my eating, and it’s really teetering on the edge of control. I was relying on sole willpower not to eat another couple sweets that would have sent those calories soaring. I, of course, asked myself what caused that behavior. I had done so well for a week. In some ways I think I was a little tired of the healthy foods. A salad or an omelet just didn’t sound all that great to me. I was almost burnt out on the healthy foods. Some would say that it’s the right the time to have a small amount of something you really want. So I did. But honestly that just made me want more of the unhealthy stuff. So that’s why I’m considering trying to go a week or so without any sweets at all. What do you think?

Surviving Social Events

First, I didn’t post yesterday, but don’t worry, it wasn’t a bad sign! I kept my food journal and actually photo-journaled! It was kinda fun and puts a different perspective on things when you can look back and literally see exactly what you ate. I might do it again every now and then. I was able to do it yesterday because I work from home on Tuesdays and Thursdays so no one was around to see me looking crazy photographing my food. So here’s the journal:

Breakfast: 1 egg/2 whites scrambled, half an Arnold Sandwhich thin w/ half an ounce of mozz cheese toasted, an apple with half a serving of dip: 315 calories total (Can you believe all that food is just 315 calories. Those same calories would get me 1 and a half unfilling poptarts.)

315 Calories

Lunch: Homemade Chocolate hot lava cake with one serving vanilla ice cream (I’ll comment later on this): 555 calories

555 Calories

Dinner: Smart Ones Chicken Marinara Flatbread, 290 calories

290 Calories

Snacks: 8 chocolate chips, 1 small Fuji apple (not pictured), 1/4 of Arnold sandwich thin toasted with melted choc chips on top (not pictured), 207 calories total

35 calories

Totals:1368 cals eaten
480 cals burned for 60 minutes on elliptical

Okay, yes, I know that the hot lava cake for lunch was not healthy. I do not plan to do that on a regular basis, but I was so, so, so craving chocolate and that was better than eating a regular lunch and then constantly wandering into the kitchen for a few chocolate cihps.

I’ve done fairly well eating wise so far today (it’s about 5 pm Friday). However, in a few minutes my husband and I are going to another couple’s house for dinner. And I can’t even begin to tell you what a challenge that is for me when I’m trying to eat well and track my calories. I really hate that I have to worry so much about the food instead of just relaxing and having fun, you know? I know this isn’t good, but it’s true. They invited us over several days ago, and the first thing I thought was, “Oh no, I’m doing so well with my eating. How am I going to handle this situation?” I long for the day when I can be at a healthy weight and not have the healthiness level of the food be the very first thing that pops into my mind when someone invites me over for dinner. It’s really hard in a situation where there just a few people, because what you eat is very noticeable. And you have no way of controlling what is served or know how many calories are in it or how they prepared it. So frustrating. I’m going to try my best to simply eat a moderate amount of whatever is being served, and not think about it or worry about it. Worrying about it won’t do me one bit of good. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Quick Update

I need to get to bed soon, because I was extra tired today, which greatly added to my temptation to munch. However, for the most I didn’t give in. I ate about 1600 calories and burned around 500 through my spinning class tonight. Hopefully I’ll have time to post more tomorrow. Here’s today’s food journal:

A couple bumps

It’s day 2, and I’ve already hit a couple bumps, but I’m ready to keep going.

I stupidly ate a dessert this morning when I had an extreme craving for chocolate. I just gave in. And it wasn’t even a dessert that I really liked. It was just okay. I just wanted chocolate – anything chocolate – and it was the only thing I could find. Set me back a little over 500 calories. As soon as I ate I felt awful about it. But I’m trying not get bogged down in the guilt and move on. But that’s hard. The guilt seems to find me. I did end the day at 1650 calories which isn’t too bad, so at least I didn’t do too much damage.

Secondly, I just simply could not get into my workout. I really tried. I put in an exercise DVD by Cathe called Imax2. Started it. Forced myself to get through the first ten minutes, but felt miserable and wasn’t really into it. So I tried another DVD – this time a fun step routine by Christi Taylor. The choreography was a bit complicated in that one, so I really struggled. Lasted 20 minutes and finally plopped down on the couch and just watched the complicated choreography. Turns out, sitting on the couch watching an DVD of people exercising doesn’t actually burn many calories. Bummer. My heart rate monitor said that I burned 160 cals over the half hour that I attempted to exercise. I’m not going to worry too much about it. I’ve been doing so well with exercise the last several weeks that one not-so-good today is nothing to get too worried about.

Things are looking better

Well, I’m happy to see my first day back “on plan” went fairly well. I only had one questionable snack in the morning. I was extra exhausted all day and I just felt like I had to eat to stay awake. However, I really made sure that nothing else would satisfy me first. I came up with any excuse possible to get up from my desk and walk somewhere. I walked down to the cafeteria in another bldg and bought a Diet Pepsi (even though there’s a vending machine about 20 ft from me and cafeteria in my bldg. Anyway, I ended up eating animal crackers from vending machine (230 cals) and 4 things of Smarties (25 cals/each). I did a bootcamp class at the Y tonight, which is a killer class! A couple times I thought I just wouldn’t make it any further, but I did. Also, I did absolutely NO snacking except for the morning animal crackers & smarties. That is rare for me. And no dessert (unless you count the Smarties). Honestly, I think part of the reason that I didn’t struggle too much with snacking and dessert is that I was so tired. I came home and plopped right down on the couch instead of my usual looking for munchies in the kitchen. (But note that I did not stay on the couch. I got up and worked out.) And after dinner, I just didn’t even have the energy to think about dessert. Very rare for me. I have no idea why the unusual tiredness today, but it’s 9:35 pm, and I’m headed to bed as soon as I finish this post.

So here’s what I ate today:

Breakfast: Smart Ones Breakfast “Sandwich” thing – 240 cals, Pineapple/Strawberry Smoothie – 150 cals

Morning Snack: Animal Crackers – 230 cals, 4 pkgs of Smarties – 100 cals

Lunch: Turkey Burger on Wheat Bun w/ a small amount of American cheese – 420 cals (estimate, no nutrition info)

Dinner: Cheese toast (on 100 calorie Sandwich thin) – 220 cals; Green beans – 30 cals; 2 small pieces Melba toast – 25 cals

Workout: 60 mins for 500 cals burned

Total: 1415 cals eaten – 500 cals exercise = 915 net cals

Oh, and I really need to update the “About Me” page on my blog. It’s two years old from when I first started this journey and blog. Someone commented about me only eating 1200 calories a day like it said in the “About Me” page. Well, I totally don’t do that anymore especially with exercise. 1200 calories just wouldn’t be enough. I try to average 1400 – 1500 most days, with an occasional 2000 calorie day for a special occasion (which is definitely offset by a lot of exercise). But I don’t worry too much if one day I happen to go lower than 1400 cals as long as I’m not hungry and I’m eating healthy things.

I broke it.

Ironically, the title of my last post, three weeks ago, was “Make It or Break It.” Well, folks, I broke it! Thoroughly. Regained the couple pounds that I had lost plus one or two. 😦 I’ll spare you all the details. They’re no different than the last 100 times I got “off plan.”

Once again I’m kinda feeling like I’m at the end of my rope. I just don’t what else to do. I don’t know what I could possibly do differently to make this weight loss attempt actually be somewhat permanently successful. I want to get out of this seemingly endless cycle of doing well for a time and eventually getting frustrated and basically giving up. I’ve tried so many times, and every time I think that this is really it. I’m really going to change my habits this time. I will really keep off the weight I’ve lost this time. Well, I’m basically back at my highest weight ever, so clearly that hasn’t happened.  I’ve also noticed that the cycle is getting shorter. Used to be more like do well for several weeks, lose several pounds, get frustrated at all the hyper-focus on weight loss and the super-slow progress, slowly lose motivation, eventually give up for several weeks, and so on. Now the cycle is more like days or even hours, not weeks or months.

I really think the main reason I can’t get back on track is that I’ve lost my confidence. I just have a hard time believing that I can really do it. And I think that’s due in part to the fact that I’ve tried and failed so, so, so many times. And I’ve worked so, so, so hard at  it those many times.

I haven’t exactly just completely given up and thrown in the towel these past couple weeks, but I’ve only been giving it a half hearted effort. However, I’ve noticed some things:

• I really don’t just love many healthy foods. I love the way I feel when I eat them instead of junk, but it is far more natural for me to reach for a piece of bread than an apple. I really need to find some foods that I love and am excited about. I just feel like I’m going against the grain. After spending the first 20 years of my life eating unhealthy foods, I’ve got 20 years of deeply entrenched bad habits to overcome. So even eating healthfully for 2-3 months isn’t going to make that my default behavior. Sometimes I think I expect it to be easier than it is. However, I know some have overcome this, so it’s possible, just not easy.
• Having gotten married just six months ago, eating well with a husband who acts like a fruit or a vegetable would kill him and literally consumes 1/4 of a thing of ice cream and a regular root beer every night without ever gaining an ounce is really a challenge. It’s more of a challenge than I thought it would be. I have talked to him about my weight loss efforts on a few occasions, and he is generally supportive, but he just doesn’t have the slightest bit of understanding as to what I’m going through. And why would he? I think it’s just so difficult for someone who’s never had weight struggles of their own to understand what it’s like.
• I’ve been tempted quite a few times within the last couple weeks in a burst of short-lived but very intense motivation to throw out every piece of junk food in the house. That’s what I did two years ago when I started the most successful part of my weight loss journey. I actually did fairly for a few weeks and lost about 15 pounds. Of course, even then, I felt like all this healthy eating wasn’t quite auto-pilot. It still felt strange. It did help, thought, that it was not at all easy to eat something junky, because it wasn’t there. I had to go out of my way if I was going to eat sweets or breads. Don’t get me wrong, there were several occasions that I did get so desperate for chocolate, that I hopped in the car and drove to the nearest Dairy Queen for a blizzard or nearest grocery store for a brownie mix. However, it happened much less often.
• I have noticed that I’ve really made exercise more of a habit. I actually enjoy it somewhat, and I miss it if I don’t get to do it. Plus I’ve been exercising even when I’m not eating well, which is a huge step for me. It used to be all or nothing.
• I’ve noticed that I have a lot more self-control when it comes to making myself do something that I really don’t want to do (like exercise or cleaning or some dreadful task). However, when it comes to saying no to something that I really want (like a brownie), I usually talk myself into it by coming up with some bizarre excuse or rationalization.
• I have only 3 pairs of non-workout pants that fit: 2 pairs of black dress pants and a pair of jeans. How sad. I miss my nice selection of clothing that fits.

Sorry this post is a little depressing, but I just needed to vent a little. Tomorrow I’m getting back on track (although I’m not yet sure exactly what that means) and I’ll be back with a much more upbeat report of how my “first day” went.